


Dea R Evan Handsoap

by houseattached



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gay, M/M, script
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-28 03:17:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10822617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houseattached/pseuds/houseattached
Summary: Jared: Wow I'm gayEveryone in the musical: Me too





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Henlo  
> I am a bad author  
> My tumblr is Called HouseAttached

Jared: C-C-C-COME ON C-C-C-COME ON GO GO  
Evan:Jared what's going on?  
JARED:iM waiTing foR my PornO to loAd  
Evan: JARED WE ARE IN C L A S S  
Jared: Oops

(spoiler alert. I'm not funny)


	2. Jared No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan falls from a tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo yo

Evan: *falls from the tree* AHH  
Jared: Holy SHIT  
Jared:This is most definitely going on the internet  
Evan:My arm is FUVKIMG BROKEN


	3. What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared: Hey Evan...

Jared: Hey Evan, have you ever wondered about my character in the musical. I mean like,  I always said that I only hung out with you so I could get my car insurance paid. But like, what if that isn't true. What if...what if I'm in love with you?? I mean I know it sounds crazy but I can't stop thinking about you every second of my life. The truth is you're my only friend.. And I never wanted to admit it. The truth is I'm just a lonely, sarcastic teen that uses jokes to hide that he's broken inside. I cant believe I've never noticed this before. I mean why else would I help you with the fake emails.. Why am I telling this to you. I guess.. I guess a part of me wants to... Thanks for listening Evan. You're always here for me. I think.. I think I uh, I love you Evan Hansen. I'm in love with you! 

Evan: Lmao Jared did you say anything? I was watching a 12 hour documentary on the pines on pine trees. 

Jared: I waS JUST reminding you that we ARENT friends!! Don't talk to me at school loser. I jUst neEd you foR car insurance. haHaHA kinKY. 

Evan: haha thanks Jared


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salut! Je'mapple HouseAttached, et toi? 
> 
> I looK like 4 months of French woo

Connor: Hey Treefucker9000  
Evan: Yes, Connor  
Connor: Va te faire foutre  
Evan: Aww Connor! This is the 12 time you said that to me in the last 5minutes. What does it mean.  
Connor: I love you :)  
Evan: Aww, I love you too

Later~  
Evan: Hey Jared! Va te faire foutre! <3  
Jared: Fuck you too

 

(What even is this??)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Va te faire foutre means shut the fuck up


	5. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Badum Tis

Zoe: Hey Evan, what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat  
Evan: I don't know, what is it? :)  
Zoe: The wheelchair  
Evan:...  
Evan: Leave this planet right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told that joke to about 12 people today and that's basically what happened.


	6. JareD

Evan: Hey Jared, Can we talk?  
Jared: Yeah whats up  
Evan: Well I've been feeling really depressed and I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice for me?  
Jared: Yeah, hang on a second  
Jared:*pulls out his phone* *Googles "What to say to your friend if they are feeling depressed without sounding like an asshole"*  
Jared: That sucks??¿  
Evan: That doesn't help me at all

 

(BASICALLY ALL MY CONVERSATIONS AAHH)  
(Also I'm not dead wow)


	7. Reader x Jared??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as a joke in class a few months ago in like 8th grade.

You woke up to Connor doing his daily screech. "SCREEEEECH." He yelled. You walk down stairs in your Twenty One Pilots t-shirt rip jeans and Converse. Your arm was broken because you fell out of a tree. "Connor, can you turn on My Chemical Romance?" You asked putting on your black lipstick. You were like the other girls that wear pink and gossip about boys. No. You are an outsider. "Sure!" Connor said floating around in his bright pink skirt. Connor was gay so we had to wear girls clothing in like pink.

You walk into class. You blushed because the dude from your school Jared Kleinman brushed past your arm. It was your broken arm though so you dropped to the floor and started withering in pain. Jared kissed you. Why? You have no idea. "Jared you can't kiss me here!!" Jared blushed until he exploded. You cried because Jared is dead. "LMAO,"said Evan Hansen,the class bully, "He explode."   
"Shut up you giant tree!!!" You yelled

 

As you can see 8th grade was a dark year for me.


	8. 0AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH[

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GANK THOSE DEMONS SAMMY

THERE WERE SCREAMS HEARD IN THE DISTANVE AND YOU SCREAM AS WELL. CONNOR KICKED DOWN THEDOOR ANF HELLED AS WELL. "EHAT THE FRICKLE FRACKLE JD GOING KN HERE??????"VONNOR SCREEAMED AS HE RAN OVER TO YIU ANF SMACK YOU LIGHTLY. YOU NOTIVRD HE WAS IN HIS NORMAL PRINCRSS OUTFIT BUT YOU PAID IT NO MJNF. "HOMIE I THOUGHT I HEARD THE AMAZING JARED padlock ".  
"WOWAZ THAT SOUNDS HELLA RAD FAM." CONNOR SAID AS HE STRUTTED OUT OF THE ROOM. SUDDENLY JARED KLIENMAN APPEARED BUT HE WAS A FUCKIN GOST.   
"HOKY HECCCCC" YOU YELL AS YOU THROW A CHAIR.   
"WHATS POPPIN HOME_SLICE BREAD SLICE?????"  
YOU SCREECHq and suddenlyyour doorwaskicked Down and a mother dude stood there.   
"THERE CAN OBMY BE ONE" HE YELLED AS HE GANKED JATED ANF HUMOED OUT THE WINDOW TO A CAR WHERE TWO OTHER DUDES WERE WAITING ANF THEY SPED OFF. 

THE END. 

 

\--Written by Wakii --


	9. Its been so l o n g

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't knoow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but Im playing piano in my schools production of footloose anf let me tell you. Ben Platts cover of I Cant Stand Still gives me L I F E

I found this in my google drafts. I dont remember writtin this and im kinda scareD. I read it and i hatr it so enjoy

 

Connor: Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way to out of touch. Things have been crazy and it succs that we don't talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight!

Evan: WhY woULd you wriTe thAT?!

Jared: Okay, let me fix it.

Connor: Dear Evan Hansen, send nudes. ;)

Evan: Jared

Jared: Okay okay

Connor: I gotta tell you the thought of you makes me hard

Evan: J A R E D

Jared: Alright I quit

Connor: I gotta tell you life without ya has been hard.

Evan: Hard?

Jared: Has been bad?

Evan: How about rough?

Jared:kiNky

Evan: *sigh*

Connor: And I miss talking about life and other stuff

Evan: That not even specific

Jared: It's good enough

Jared: I like my parents

Evan: Who says that?

Jared: I love my parents, but each day's another fight.

Evan: Now say something like "if I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright"

Jared: *types "If I stop smoking crack"

Evan: CRaCk

Jared: *retypes*

**Author's Note:**

> ;)


End file.
